Domino’s Pasta Bowls: LORD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN US?
KFC Famous Bowls. Stuffed Crust Pizzas. The Grilled Stuft Burrito.
Every once in a while a food monstrosity so vile, so cheese-curdlingly repugnant comes along, that it casts a lick of hellfire upon life’s great mysteries. Enter the Domino’s Pasta Bowl. There is no God, and you will die a lonely death after a meaningless life. For $6.99 you can pay Domino’s Pizza to bring one of these flattened demon fetuses to your front door, but why bother? I’ve got the recipe right here:
Step 1: Order a regular-ass pizza.
Step 2: Scrape out the innards with an ice cream scooper
Step 3: Feed the innards to someone you have no respect for. Say, that good-for-nothing son of yours.
Step 4: Go to your local Taco Bell. Order the Grande Nachos. Discard the nachos. Retain the little containers of cheese product. More is better.
Step 5: In a large mixing bowl, combine nacho paste, Kraft Easy Mac, butter, and I dunno, probably salt or something. Heavy cream I guess.
Step 6: Somehow cook whatever was in the mixing bowl, and pour it into the remains of the pizza.
Step 7: Bake the unholy abomination in your mom’s oven. If she hassles you, tell her to take a chill pill.
Step 8: Take that piping hot mofo outta the oven, and dig in, savoring every bite.
Step 9: You FOOL. The carbohydrate disc you’ve created is the one of prophecy.
Step 10: You have now unlocked the door to the gates of hell.
Step 11: Get swallowed into a pit of everlasting despair and mortal anguish.
Step 11: Approach the dark lord with your Pasta Bowl in hand, he will cower before your might.
Step 12: Sit upon your fiery throne, with your black scepter of damnation in one hand, and your Domino’s Pasta Bowl in the other. Watch as your minions tremble in the wake of its cheesy goodness. Rock out with a wicked air guitar solo. GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Star Trek Review: A Provocative Mess
I’ve always HATED Star Trek. There, I said it. I was never able to get past all the hokey set designs, costumes, and makeup to suspend my disbelief long enough to actually enjoy the philosophical elements of the long running film franchise. Robots looked like jaundiced humans. Klingons wore rubbery masks that featured a perma-scowl and embarassing facial hair. True, the purpose of the series was to present a sense of wonder at the discovery of new worlds and life forms. It’s just hard to feel any sense of awe when the new discovery is some dude in a cheeseball monster suit.
The other day I caught the new Star Trek film and I must say, I dug it. That said, this is not a movie about the story, but about orienting the audience within the Star Trek universe to prepare them for the sequel. In that sense, it’s a lot like Batman Begins. Like Batman Begins, much time is wasted on origin stories, and so by necessity less time is available for the exploration of their emotional development as adults. Kirk (Chris Pine), is essentially a one note, smart alecky wiseguy; but Pine plays the part to the bone and demonstrates some excellent comic timing. The supporting cast is mostly just sprinkles and frosting, but Zach Quinto’s Spock is the cake. A conflicted Vulcan-Human halfbreed, Spock tiptoes along the line dividing cold logic and emotion and the resulting character is a man who fits in nowhere, feels compelled to conduct himself in a manner devoid of compassion, love, or hate, and yet harbors within him a deep reservoir of feeling.
The action is fine, the visual effects and acting are strong. The story is confusing and never really generates a sense of danger or urgency. In spite of this, I still found the film compelling. Between Spock’s exploration of the meaning of humanity and Nero’s simultaneous acts of preventative revenge (time travel silliness), we are asked to wonder what great and terrible things man is capable of, and we’re asked in a way that’s a helluva lotta fun.
Dear Thanksgiving Dinner, I Love You.
To my vegan friends: Sorry.
I just want to take this opportunity to say that I love Thanksgiving food. God bless those crazy Native Americans for allowing us to decimate the wild game populations of entire Eastern Seaboard. Now that numerous wild turkey breeds are threatened, there’s nothing left for us to eat but these 30 pound steroid injected monstrosities. I love turkey, and the more of it that I can shove down my gullet, the better. More growth hormones, says I! More feed for these flightless fatties! Let them not suffer for want of victuals! I want my turkey big and juicy, with the girthy goodness of Bruce Villanch and the smooth baritone voice of Barry White.
The only thing I can think of that would perfect this dream of mine would be to feed turkeys Thanksgiving dinners in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner. Yes. Feed turkeys cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and some sort of god awful casserole. Oh and pie. And turkey; feed them turkey. That way they’ll arrive in your kitchen thoroughly enriched with finger lickin’ goodness. The applications for this idea are truly endless. Feed ‘em sage. Boom. Sage flavored turkey. Feed ‘em maple syrup. Completely delicious. Feed ‘em oxycontin. Your turkey will be as bitchy and materialistic as an Orange County housewife.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Photo by Dimus used under a Creative Commons license
What Palin’s Wardrobe Allowance Says About McCain
This afternoon Politico broke a story that shouldn’t really be a shocker to anyone that understands Sarah Palin’s role within the McCain campaign. First, her role: Attack Dog Barbie Doll. Now the story. Apparently the McCain campaign has been spending a shit-ton of money dressing, primping, preening, and accessorising the would-be veep. We’re talking somewhere in the neighborhood of 150,000 bones, or clams, or whatever. Again, not surprised.
In recent weeks male Palin supporters have been showing up to her rallies wearing t-shirts and buttons reading “I’m voting for the hot one”. Offended? Not Sarah Palin, she takes it in stride. And why not? She’s being hailed by the right as a new kind of feminist: one who balances being a mom, a politician, and totally hot. She was McCain’s last ditch effort to attract women voters, fire-and-brimstone conservatives, and, apparently, horndogs everywhere.
In the eight weeks or so since she hit the national stage, Ms. Palin has said relatively little outside of her pre-scripted talking points, and has fared poorly in her two major network interviews. In recent days, Palin has adopted the role of attack dog, and has served as the foil through which McCain’s negativity has been [ineffectively] bounced toward Barack Obama. None of this is breaking news. Anyone who watches thirty minutes of network news per week can figure that Palin isn’t good for much, except looking good, being snarky, and fucking up her lines.
Hence the big budget duds. How much do you figure the McCain camp has spent on tutors to get Ms. Palin up to speed on world affairs? A helluva lot, I’d wager. How much do you figure Joe Biden’s wardrobe allowance is? How much do you figure McCain is trying to overcompensate for Palin’s shortcomings? Palin is a Barbie. McCain vetted her for maybe a couple weeks, at best. She represents John McCain’s underestimation of every woman in America; an attempt at a sleight of hand that, according to recent polling, just isn’t working. John McCain can throw 10 million bucks at Palin’s wardrobe for all I care. Put a silk hat on a pig… and, well, there you go.
Photo by the News Hour used under a Creative Commons license
Sarah Palin’s Ridiculously Lame SNL Appearance
After being impersonated by Tina Fey in three prior sketches, the McCain camp apparently agreed that it would be good PR for Sarah Palin to appear on SNL herself, in an attempt to make her appear good natured and less fringe. First, let’s address the overall quality of last night’s show. Terrible. With the exception of a handful of predictable “MacGruber” skits that made light of the current financial crisis, the broadcast was painfully unfunny.
Next up, Palin’s performance. I’ll preface by saying that Palin’s appearance seems to have been governed by the same rules that applied during her previous interviews with the major networks. The McCain camp still has Palin on a tight leash when it comes to speaking with the media, and last night was no exception. The first sketch kicked off with Tina Fey running a faux press conference in her role as the Alaska governor. Meanwhile, on a remote monitor, the real Sarah Palin criticizes the press conference as being unrealistic, while standing beside producer Lorne Michaels. Alec Baldwin walks up and, thinking Palin is Fey, begins criticizing Michaels for allowing Fey to go on stage with “that horrible woman”. He repeats the line a couple times, because things are funnier when you say them over and over. Baldwin gets Palin to admit that people have nicknamed her ‘Caribou Barbie’. Eventually Michaels corrects Baldwin’s mistake, whereupon he tells Palin that she’s “Way hotter in person”. Palin walks onto the press conference stage and states that she won’t be taking any questions. Still not funny.
The last Palin bit was better, but not because of anything Palin did. She shows up at the weekend update desk, but decides that the sketch is too risque for her tastes. Amy Poehler then assumes the role of the governor and a pretty decent Palin-themed hiphop routine is performed, featuring eskimo backup dancers, a faux Todd Palin, and a moose that gets shot up. Poehler makes reference to the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’, Bill Ayers, McCain’s creepy smile, and Palin’s foreign policy inexperience, including the now infamous ‘Russia’ remark.
One of two things happened here, the McCain camp either requested that Palin’s participation be restricted to being a mere pretty face, or NBC opted to limit Palin’s lines so that they could take jabs at her. I’d prefer to think it was the former. Either way, Palin’s limited participation gave the cast free reign to make fun of her. There was one fleeting moment, when Poehler mentioned the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’ that Palin’s face went from “I’m having a pretty good time” to “Was this a good idea?”. It was just priceless.
Watch the clips here:
