The Political Fiend

To my vegan friends:  Sorry.

I just want to take this opportunity to say that I love Thanksgiving food.  God bless those crazy Native Americans for allowing us to decimate the wild game populations of entire Eastern Seaboard.  Now that numerous wild turkey breeds are threatened, there’s nothing left for us to eat but these 30 pound steroid injected monstrosities.  I love turkey, and the more of it that I can shove down my gullet, the better.  More growth hormones, says I!  More feed for these flightless fatties!  Let them not suffer for want of victuals!  I want my turkey big and juicy, with the girthy goodness of Bruce Villanch and the smooth baritone voice of Barry White.  

The only thing I can think of that would perfect this dream of mine would be to feed turkeys Thanksgiving dinners in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner.  Yes. Feed turkeys cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and some sort of god awful casserole.  Oh and pie.  And turkey; feed them turkey.  That way they’ll arrive in your kitchen thoroughly enriched with finger lickin’ goodness.  The applications for this idea are truly endless. Feed ‘em sage.  Boom.  Sage flavored turkey. Feed ‘em maple syrup.  Completely delicious. Feed ‘em oxycontin. Your turkey will be as bitchy and materialistic as an Orange County housewife.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Photo by Dimus used under a Creative Commons license