The Political Fiend

This afternoon Politico broke a story that shouldn’t really be a shocker to anyone that understands Sarah Palin’s role within the McCain campaign. First, her role: Attack Dog Barbie Doll. Now the story. Apparently the McCain campaign has been spending a shit-ton of money dressing, primping, preening, and accessorising the would-be veep. We’re talking somewhere in the neighborhood of 150,000 bones, or clams, or whatever. Again, not surprised.

In recent weeks male Palin supporters have been showing up to her rallies wearing t-shirts and buttons reading “I’m voting for the hot one”. Offended? Not Sarah Palin, she takes it in stride. And why not? She’s being hailed by the right as a new kind of feminist: one who balances being a mom, a politician, and totally hot. She was McCain’s last ditch effort to attract women voters, fire-and-brimstone conservatives, and, apparently, horndogs everywhere.

In the eight weeks or so since she hit the national stage, Ms. Palin has said relatively little outside of her pre-scripted talking points, and has fared poorly in her two major network interviews. In recent days, Palin has adopted the role of attack dog, and has served as the foil through which McCain’s negativity has been [ineffectively] bounced toward Barack Obama. None of this is breaking news. Anyone who watches thirty minutes of network news per week can figure that Palin isn’t good for much, except looking good, being snarky, and fucking up her lines.

Hence the big budget duds. How much do you figure the McCain camp has spent on tutors to get Ms. Palin up to speed on world affairs? A helluva lot, I’d wager. How much do you figure Joe Biden’s wardrobe allowance is? How much do you figure McCain is trying to overcompensate for Palin’s shortcomings? Palin is a Barbie. McCain vetted her for maybe a couple weeks, at best. She represents John McCain’s underestimation of every woman in America; an attempt at a sleight of hand that, according to recent polling, just isn’t working. John McCain can throw 10 million bucks at Palin’s wardrobe for all I care. Put a silk hat on a pig… and, well, there you go.

Photo by the News Hour used under a Creative Commons license

After being impersonated by Tina Fey in three prior sketches, the McCain camp apparently agreed that it would be good PR for Sarah Palin to appear on SNL herself, in an attempt to make her appear good natured and less fringe.  First, let’s address the overall quality of last night’s show.  Terrible.  With the exception of a handful of predictable “MacGruber” skits that made light of the current financial crisis, the broadcast was painfully unfunny.  

Next up, Palin’s performance.  I’ll preface by saying that Palin’s appearance seems to have been governed by the same rules that applied during her previous interviews with the major networks.  The McCain camp still has Palin on a tight leash when it comes to speaking with the media, and last night was no exception.  The first sketch kicked off with Tina Fey running a faux press conference in her role as the Alaska governor.  Meanwhile, on a remote monitor, the real Sarah Palin criticizes the press conference as being unrealistic, while standing beside producer Lorne Michaels.  Alec Baldwin walks up and, thinking Palin is Fey, begins criticizing Michaels for allowing Fey to go on stage with “that horrible woman”.  He repeats the line a couple times, because things are funnier when you say them over and over.  Baldwin gets Palin to admit that people have nicknamed her ‘Caribou Barbie’.  Eventually Michaels corrects Baldwin’s mistake, whereupon he tells Palin that she’s “Way hotter in person”.  Palin walks onto the press conference stage and states that she won’t be taking any questions.  Still not funny.

The last Palin bit was better, but not because of anything Palin did.  She shows up at the weekend update desk, but decides that the sketch is too risque for her tastes.  Amy Poehler then assumes the role of the governor and a pretty decent Palin-themed hiphop routine is performed, featuring eskimo backup dancers, a faux Todd Palin, and a moose that gets shot up.  Poehler makes reference to the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’, Bill Ayers, McCain’s creepy smile, and Palin’s foreign policy inexperience, including the now infamous ‘Russia’ remark.  

One of two things happened here, the McCain camp either requested that Palin’s participation be restricted to being a mere pretty face, or NBC opted to limit Palin’s lines so that they could take jabs at her.  I’d prefer to think it was the former.  Either way, Palin’s limited participation gave the cast free reign to make fun of her. There was one fleeting moment, when Poehler mentioned the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’ that Palin’s face went from “I’m having a pretty good time” to “Was this a good idea?”.  It was just priceless.

Watch the clips here:

Opening sketch

Weekend Update

Yeah, I know, it’s Mark McGrath. Hear me out.

Today, I saw something that I should have expected, but was surprised by nonetheless. I get home from work, and turn on the TV. Extra is on. For the uninitiated, Extra is pretty much a televised version of US Weekly, and deals with such hot topics as what Maddox Pitt-Jolie had for breakfast yesterday, and who Paris Hilton just gave crabs to.

The second “report” on the show offered up a handful of “never before seen” pictures of Sarah Palin (old yearbook, prom… RAWR). Fine. The media treats her like a celebrity, so what? So everyone’s ignoring her qualifications, and focusing on her novelty. It won’t better not last. Next, they did a piece on how women are trying to copy Palin’s “look”, and how the glasses frames she wears are selling out everywhere. She’s already having a tremendous impact on improving the lives of women everywhere.

About fifteen minutes into the broadcast, I felt full force the effects of Sarah Palin’s entry onto the national political stage. Extra, the most shallow, sensational, bullshit laden, youth obsessed show on [network] television did a piece on how cute John and Cindy McCain are. My gag reflex triggered a little when they reported that Cindy McCain sometimes combs John’s hair in the morning. The thought of those bony fingers meandering through John’s wispy locks made the bile creep up into places it doesn’t belong. Sarah Palin has done the impossible, she’s made the McCain-Palin ticket a celebrity affair.

My solution? Fight fire with fire. Matt Damon might have started something today when he came out swinging against Sarah Palin. That “pittbull with lipstick on” sound bite? Pretty good. Here’s what Damon had to say:

I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago [. . .] I want to know that, I really do, because she’s going to have the nuclear codes.

See, I like that. If enough celebrities start coming out and making noise, America will notice, because we tend to notice things like that. The thing is, it’s gotta be the right celebrities. Nobody cares if Fergie or Martin Short start raising a ruckus. I’m talking George Clooney and Angelina Jolie; Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. I don’t even know if they’re all Democrats, but I’d be willing to wager on it.

So why Mark McGrath? Because, he asks celebrities questions on one of the few “news” outlets that actually gives credence to celebrity opinions. Matt Damon’s statement won’t get much play on the network news broadcasts, but it’ll make waves on the celebrity trash websites, and will get airtime on Extra, Access Hollywood, and Entertainment Tonight. Sure, their opinions are no more valuable or informative than anyone else’s. But we’re up against the Republican spin machine, and it’s time to take the gloves off.

Throughout this election cycle, the GOP has offered us the worst mishmash motley crew of potential execs since we were served up with Bush Lite in late 1999: Huckabee obliterates the competition at the Iowa caucus, and slowly emerges as a knucklehead with limited Bible Belt appeal and an insane plan to do away with the Federal Income Tax. Giuliani, of course, tried to ride the wave of 9/11, and wiped out in a big sort of way. I have nothing to say about Mitt Romney, or his hair. Thank goodness for Fred Thompson. Sure he didn’t have any palpable platform, but hell, he could talk. That man dropped more old timey, grandpappy-esque sayings than your crazy uncle Zeke after two mason-jars of moonshine, and he did it with style.

McCain of course was dead in the water. Now he’s the nominee and just orates like he’s dead. So what’s he do? He brushes ex-Dem Lieberman off his shoulders and goes with the anti-Hillary. What’s the point of this piece? To give a sideways look at the last 8 months, and to say that only Hillary can save us now.

Pundits are coming out and lamenting that it was a misstep for Obama to bypass Hillary for the veep slot. Of course, they’re only saying this now that McCain has drafted Palin. Had McCain gone with a more traditional running mate (see: “White Dude”), no one would have come out and said ditching Hillary was a mistake. Rightness or wrongness aside, I doubt she would have been part of the conversation, and the necessity of her loyalty would likely have been limited to her role at the convention. The DNC would have enlisted Hillary to sew up any wounds left open by the primary season, and that would have been the end of it. But that’s not going to cut it anymore.

Hillary Clinton holds the future of the party in her hands, but maybe not for the reasons that any of us would prefer. It will come down to this. We need Hillary because she is a woman, and because she is exponentially more interesting than Joe Biden. Simply put, the voting public IS that stupid. McCain’s biggest PR problem? He’s boring. He has zero tonal inflection; so he picks his opposite. Obama’s biggest problems? Race and perceived inexperience. In theory Biden was a good pick: older white dude who’s been around the political block. The problem is that voters get their info from local network news; as a result, I’d be willing to bet that the average American now thinks they know more about Sarah Palin than they do about Joe Biden. By skipping Hillary, the Dems walked into the most well laid bear trap.  What strategist could have foreseen the Republicans playing the sexism and elitism cards?

How did Sarah Palin become bulletproof? Because of America’s twisted way of dealing with gender and race issues. You are a racist if you discuss the issue of race. You are a sexist if you discuss the issue of gender. While questioning Palin’s decision to go on the campaign trail in wake of her son’s birth was undoubtedly sexist, questioning her handling of her daughter’s pregnancy was decidedly not, as it is intimately intertwined with her stances on abortion and contraception. Biden, unfortunately, will not be able to touch this issue, because he’s a man, and the issue is bait for sexism spin. Joe Biden has the impossible task in the VP debates of simultaneously being both merciless and slight. If he makes a meek showing, he’ll be criticized for being patronizing. If he comes out swinging, I guarantee the RNC will spin things to make Palin out to be the victim of a bully. Either way, the allegations will fly, and people will buy it.

Where’s that leave us? Three letters. H.R.C. She needs to take the gloves off and wail on Sarah Palin, without mercy. For the good of the party, and the good of the country. Even if it means temporarily overshadowing the ticket itself. Many of my friends are getting nervous about the chances of a Democratic victory in November. But it’s only been a handful of days since the Palin shakeup. So relax, everyone. Atticus Finch had this great line in “To Kill a Mockingbird”, possibly one of the greatest, simplest, truest things a father could say to his children in the face of a crisis: “It’s not time to worry yet.” And it’s not, because Hillary has not yet begun to fight.

Photo by Matthew Reichbach used under a Creative Commons license.